A Conversation over Dinner

"Eat some ham," my Grandma said. To which I replied, "I don't eat that Grandma. I'm a...mammaltarian." I have thought about it now and realized mammaltarian is the wrong term. The word in front of tarian is the food that you do eat, not what you don't eat. So I am more of a poultrytarian. I don't know the correct term for my diet, so let's just pretend I am smart for now.
It all began about a year ago when I was happily crafting in front of my TV set. The news was up next where they promised a "shocking" video on cow torture. Naturally, I had to stay tuned and at first I regretted this decision, but now I realize it was for the best. There were video clips of these douche bags torturing sick cows at a slaughterhouse while the news anchor narrated. I wanted to puke. The guys did everything, from electocuting them, stabbing them to dragging them from forklfts. At this point in my life, I was known as the whopper queen in my family. I LOVED meat, especially cow. But I also LOVED animals. As my boyfriend watched me sob out of the blue, I made a vow to never eat cow again. My justification for this being, "I am not supporting assholes that torture cows." This vow progressed the next day into, "No mammals at all." Because pigs are smart. But that's another story.
Back to the dinner:
"Oh, so fish and poultry aren't as important as mammals?" My cousin asked. I knew someone was going to say this.
"Yes and no," I answered.
Back to the justification:
You see people, it is my personal belief that mammals are slightly more, how do I put this, magical than birds and fish. There is something special about the mom and baby bond that most mammals have. A lot like love. They have emotions. They make tools. However, a lot of birds (and some fish actually) do these things as well. But do they do it just to ensure the survival of their genes, where mammals actually love and some even laugh? I digress.
Back to the dinner:
"I'm still eating poultry right now," I began, "because I love meat. I couldn't see myself being completely without the stuff. And I try to eat free range."
All I really heard was blah blah blah coming from my mouth. I was a hypocrite. I love chickens and a thought popped in my head, "Duh Katie. You were just at the farm park a few months ago where you witnessed with your own eyes what looked like a mama hen breaking up huge chuncks of bread for her chicks to eat."
"And she didn't eat any herself," I said under my breath.
Back to the justification:
There isn't one really. Just that I'm a hypocrite. I enacted the chicken, turkey, and seafood law of 2007 because of one thing: Clam chowder. Goddamn, that stuff is tasty. And tuna...and crabcakes! Mmm. And then I started telling myself that not eating cow would be hard on my system, and that I should still eat poultry, just not as much.
The after effects:
I did notice that after a few weeks with no whoppers, I was very light-headed. Now, this might have been all in my head (haha, pun) or the lack of iron in my system was messing with me. However, I was wrong when I thought it would be hard to resist a whopper or a strip of bacon as soon as I smelled it. It was easy, and I can't imagine myself eating that stuff every again. And by the way PETA, I am not any healthier now than I was before when I would eat a whopper at least 5 times a week. In fact, you could say my health has slightly declined. My cholesterol used to be stellar, now it is a few points over.
Back to the dinner:
"Well, you need iron," my Grandma said.
"My cholesterol is bad," I replied.
"Then don't eat so much cheese," my aunt yelled.

Ah yes, did I mention I LOVE cheese. Yep, it comes from a cow, and probably extracted inhumanely but PLEASE don't take the cheese away from me! It'll be all I have left once I give up flesh.